Nice Girl Syndrome (stop it before it drowns you)

Are you tired of being too nice? Do you think that people in your life are taking undue advantage of you? Do you end up saying yes when you really want to say No? In that case, you are in the right place. Perhaps, you, too, struggle with the nice girl syndrome. I have been in your shoes. I have been that nice girl, saying yes to everyone even when I didn’t want to say yes. And thankfully, I found a way to overcome it. In this article, I will share practical suggestions that I tried & tested to overcome the nice girl syndrome.

Introduction to the Nice Girl Syndrome

Let's start with the basics. And that is, the opposite of being nice is not being mean. If you think that you are so tired of being nice that tomorrow, you will wake up, and be mean to everyone – well, that's just swinging from one polarity to another, going from That's just going to another extreme. And that won't help you in changing the nice girl behavior. The best way to deal with the Nice girl syndrome is you stop being nice and start being you! Take a moment to let that sink in. What does it mean to be you? In most simple terms, it means that you honor your choices and decisions. And you let go of living your life from a place of SHOULD – like I should be doing this, I should be behaving like this, I should be … fill in the blanks. And instead, you start living life from a place of … WANT TO. Instead of saying – I SHOULD be doing XYZ. You change it to – I am choosing to do something because I WANT to. As women, we are biologically and socially conditioned to nurture. But in this process, we often lose touch with our desires, wants and try to keep everyone else's needs ahead of us; that where the real problem is. Because consistently negating your wants & needs harbors resentment. What if you started honoring your choices and decisions? Perhaps, it will make overcoming your nice person mindset relatively easy.

Practical tools to overcoming the Nice Girl Syndrome

Action Step #1

As a first step, write down all the reasons why you want to be a nice girl/person. When I reflected on this question, my reasons included: I aim to be a nice to everyone because:

• That's the only way my friends or family would love me,
• Being nice is the only way my friends would think highly of me,
• I want my friends or family to be there for me when I need them,
• All good people are nice

These reasons, I shared here, sound basic & reasonable. Perhaps, they sound relatable. However, if you look closely, the undercurrent beneath my desire to be 'nice' is to get approval/validation from others. Clearly, my reasons for being nice or wanting to be nice stemmed from my insecurities & my beliefs. Being nice was a cover-up for my insecurities Your reasons for why you want to be a nice person might look different. But as you start contemplating this question, you'll uncover the root cause of what’s driving this sort of thinking. Once you have made a list, the next question I would like to ask yourself is, Why. As in, why do I have a specific belief or insecurity? As an example, one of the reasons why I wanted to be a nice person was so that people would love me. Next, I asked myself, why do I want people to love me? My response: So, they will accept me. Then I asked myself, why do I want others to accept me? My response: I need external validation because I don't accept myself For me, it was a lack of self-acceptance and self-love that had me stuck in a people-pleasing mindset. I will suggest that you go through this exercise, and be honest with yourself. Because that's how you will uncover the root cause of your behavior.

Action Step #2

My next suggestion is to overcome the nice girl syndrome is to practice saying 'No' more often. I know when you are a people pleaser, saying No is often one of the hardest things in the world. But if you want to overcome this behavior, you have to start practicing saying, No.  At first, obviously, it will be hard. Your mind will trick you into believing that if you say No, people will not like you. Breathe through the resistance and don’t listen to your mind. I remember a few years ago, when I was still learning to say No to people. If someone asked me to do something, Instead of saying no, I would use phrases like: "Let me think about this, or can I get back to you, or something on the lines of - let me check my schedule and get back to you, depending on the situation." After a while, I eventually got to a point where I was able to say No without any hang-ups. Why? Because I came to realize that saying No doesn't make me are a bad or a mean person. It just means that I am not available to do something for another in this now moment of time.

Action Step #3

My third suggestion for overcoming the nice girl syndrome is to practice self-acceptance. If your self-esteem is based on how others perceive you, it's easy to stay stuck in people-pleasing behaviors. But the more you accept yourself for who you are and who you are not and being totally okay with it, it will become much easier to say No. Give yourself the validation and the love that you are seeking from others. And if you think people in your life will leave you if you dare say no, then ask yourself if it's worth having such people in your life? What I found in my life is that people who genuinely love me are least bothered whether I accept/decline their request. They love me for me and not how pliable I am towards their requests.

Summary for Overcoming the Nice Girl Syndrome

• Make a list of why you want to be a nice person. What is the pay-off? What are you trying to cover up? What's the worst that would happen if you said no? Explore related beliefs and attitudes.
• Practice saying 'No' more often (even when it's uncomfortable/ inconvenient)
• Practice self-acceptance every day. Pledge that you refuse to be in an adversarial relationship with yourself.