There are no set guidelines to define boundaries. No clear demarcations to watch for. No 5-step process you could follow that will help you establish healthy boundaries. And that’s good news! Because then, you get to create for yourself.
What are boundaries?
Your physical body has a well-demarcated edge. We can say the ‘boundaries’ of your physical body are well-defined. All physical objects have precise boundaries. Plus, the boundaries are visible to the naked eye, so there is no ambiguity.
The same can’t be said about the human psyche.
When we talk about setting boundaries, we are usually referring to emotional boundaries.
We can touch, smell, see, hear and taste our physical world. But, we can’t say the same for our emotional world, which we can only access with our feelings.
Our emotional world is invisible to others. So we have to communicate our boundaries if we want others to know what’s acceptable to us and what isn’t. The onus of communicating our boundaries falls on our shoulders.
Physical boundaries: Visible
Emotional boundaries: Invisible
Emotional boundaries when communicated: Visible
Resistance to set boundaries in our relationships
Quick question, how often do you communicate your needs, your boundaries to others? Never? Or once in a blue moon?
So, what do you think other people do? They assume. They guess. Take their best shot at what you want & desire. People usually treat us exactly as they’d treat themselves. And then, we resent the relationship dynamics. We complain about the lack of respect in our relationships, hoping, someone would see us for once.
No one can swim in your head and find what you want. You have to inform others what your boundaries are.
There may be situations when, despite your best efforts, your boundaries aren’t acknowledged. People with low self-awareness usually struggle to stay present in their conversations. They may hijack and attempt to weaken your boundaries. Again, you have to reaffirm and uphold them.
Unfortunately, sometimes it takes repeated intervention before people retreat. So stay put and hold on to what’s right for you.
Emotions and Setting Healthy Boundaries
Pay attention to your emotions when your boundaries are not respected. Chances are you might feel angry, frustrated, confused, anxious, and even afraid. In those times, you might wonder what happened here? That’s understandable.
There is a reason why so many of us struggle with setting boundaries. Growing up, no one showed or taught us what it means to have healthy boundaries. We may think, shouldn’t other people know what’s deemed as acceptable and what’s not? Actually, no, they don’t.
Most times, we ourselves are unclear on where to draw a line. That’s an even greater challenge in learning to set healthy boundaries.
Visualizing Boundaries
Think of your boundaries like a house fence. The fence around your house demarcates your property, so others know that the house is yours, and they can’t barge in.
Think of setting boundaries as putting a fence around your emotions. By establishing boundaries with others, you are also giving a form to your Emotional Body (which is invisible).
Without a clear, defined fence, others will not know what’s acceptable and what’s not. Plus, you’ll struggle in saying no.
Why you need an emotional fence?
There is no magic formula to establish boundaries. But, I will share a few guidelines that have worked for me.
Pay attention to your emotions. Our emotions are not binary. There is a whole range of color between these two extremes.
How you feel for your spouse vs. your kids is going to vary. The same holds for your feelings about your parents vs. work colleagues. Your emotional boundaries will differ based on your relationship.
You may choose to establish strong boundaries for strangers? Again, the specifics can depend on various factors. The beautiful aspect about setting boundaries is that you call the shots. You get to choose where to draw the line in each relationship. You decide if you want to let someone in and how much. You dictate where the fence goes; in every single relationship.
Excited? I’d imagine, though.
Here’s my first suggestion in how to set healthy boundaries. Start paying attention to your feelings in every interaction.
As an example, say you struggle in establishing boundaries with your sibling. Next time you are having a conversation with them, pay attention to your feelings. Ask yourself, how does this interaction make me feel? I know, it sounds simple & yet, so many times, we rarely check in with ourselves at an emotional level.
Do your interactions (with your sibling) feel easy and effortless? Then consider setting flexible boundaries. If your interaction feels rigid, then consider setting firm boundaries.
Your feelings are the first signpost to guide you on where to draw a boundary.
The billion dollar advice I could offer is, make your feelings your best friends. Trust how you feel (without judgment). That’s your barometer of where to establish boundaries with people
Making mindful commitments
Here’s another suggestion for setting boundaries in relationships. Anytime you get asked to commit your time or energy, ask for a time-out. Don’t say yes immediately. Tell the person you’ll get back to them in 2–3 days.
Over the next few days, contemplate on whether to accept the proposal or not. Reflect on your motivations for wanting to say yes.
Is it an authentic yes (something you feel called to do)? Or are you agreeing out of guilt or obligation? Or you want to agree, so others will see you as a nice person.
It’s a good idea to be honest with your true motives behind your actions.
Discerning between Should and Have to
‘Should’ & ‘Have To’ are your biggest enemies when establishing boundaries.
You want to say yes to invitations and requests because you ‘want to’ and not because you have to. I am obviously not referring to the daily chores we all have to do; regardless of whether we like them or not.
Stay mindful of your consent
Another barometer to help you establish boundaries in your relationship. Pay attention to what you are consenting to.
Does your inner self aligned and consenting to the request? Let your inner self be your guide.
The importance of staying true to yourself
The cornerstone of establishing healthy boundaries is staying true to your inner self. The more authentic you are to yourself, the easier it will be to develop healthy boundaries. Being authentic means, staying true to your feelings. Acknowledging them, and not overriding with your logic.
Instead of saying, I shouldn’t be feeling this way or another, be honest. Accept what-is, even if you dislike it. You can’t change your thinking patters & behaviors without first witnessing them.
Being patient with yourself
Please know that learning to establish healthy boundaries is a process. Don’t expect to start saying no in a blink of an eye, when all your life you have been a people pleaser.
You are changing your values, beliefs and attitudes. So please practice being patient and compassionate with yourself.
Eventually, you’ll learn that you can have firm boundaries and also be a nice person. They are not mutually exclusive.
Summary, how to set healthy boundaries in relationships:
- Lean into the wisdom of your feelings
- Make mindful commitments
- Discern between should, have to’s, and want to’s
- Mindful of what you are consenting to
- Staying true to yourself
- Being patient with yourself
Additional Resources:
- AG Link – https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Healthy_Boundaries
- Blog post –
- 4 bodies
- Nice girl syndrome